


dancing on the line of a dangerous love (you could break me overnight)

by undercover_martyr



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2020-09-01 04:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20252566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undercover_martyr/pseuds/undercover_martyr
Summary: In which Emily thinks it's completely normal to pretend to date your best friend, and Lindsey really doesn't know how to say no to Emily.





	1. we were best friends (but I have wanted you in different ways)

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by "good girls" by LANY. give it a listen

So it starts like this.

Emma, with her ever more serious relationship, and the teasing jokes during family dinners- and, if Emma likes her boyfriend enough to sit through a Clemson game of all things, then why can’t Emily commit to a relationship, any relationship, for once in her life?. There’s talk of a family reunion, and of how nice it would be if for the first time, both Emma and Emily brought significant others to it at the same time

Before this dinner Emily would have cited the lack of free time and the busy schedule for her, well, lack of girlfriend. The fact that she just hasn’t found anybody in Portland. But when Emma sticks her tongue and laughs quietly, murmuring something about Emily growing a pair, Emily waits until her parents aren’t looking to flip her off and thinks.

It’s not that there aren’t any attractive girls in Portland- on the contrary, she sees so many attractive girls everyday, and girls that would most likely be willing to hook up with her due to her status as a professional soccer player. 

So no. It’s really not hard at all, and she will confess to having indulged in a couple of pointless hookups in college and straight after. But she is 25 now, and the thought of waking up on strange beds, and starting over doesn’t feel as appealing as when she was 21. 

And it has nothing to do with Emma’s teasing, nothing to do with impossibly blue eyes, and strong shoulders, nothing to do with amused smiles and soft-spoken words. Nothing to do with her insignificant crush on Lindsey.

Because, Emily might be immature but she’s not stupid. 

And it’s not like she waits for Lindsey to suddenly realize her love for her, because she’s pretty sure that she completely accepted the impossibility of this sometime around their second year together in Portland. Emma always calls it cowardice and resignation, and on this particular night, with newfound courage provided by two glasses of red wine her mom likes so much, and with stupidity that can only come from being pissed off by her twin sister, Emily suddenly doesn’t want to be a coward anymore.

There’s a smile playing at the edge of her lips, more of a smirk really, and Emma is looking at her the same way that she would when they were small and Emily’s competitive streak would come out. It’s a mix of amusement and caution, always with the faintest hint of fear. And tonight, just like it always has, it spurs Emily on, makes her stupidly brave, sends her barreling towards what may yet be the stupidest decision of her whole life.

She opens her mouth before she thinks, like she sometimes tends to do, and the words come out before she can truly process them.

“Yeah, well. I never said I wasn’t bringing anyone to the family reunion.”

She’s so fucking screwed.

*  
She really really didn’t think this through.

Her mom grills her for the rest of dinner, asking her tons and tons of questions that Emily makes up the answers to on the spot, telling her mom elaborate tales of coffee shop dates, and what she calls exploring the best of Portland with her favorite person ever.

She’s probably overselling it a little, because her dad is looking at her as if she’s suddenly grown two heads, and Emily really didn’t think this through. She’s making herself look like a fool in love and maybe that’s a bad thing, but her mom looks over the moon and now Emily doesn’t have the heart to stop her little game.

Emma is quiet, staring at Emily with a concentration that can only come from disbelief, and Emily squirms a bit under her gaze. Emma smiles and Emily knows right then and there that she needs to sell this once and for all before she looks like a giant weirdo in front her whole family.

“So, anyway. Who is the girl who finally managed to tame you?”

Emily swallows once, even though her mouth is now impossibly dry, and runs a hand through her hair. She’s stalling, she knows she is, and worse, she’s using her self-admitted nervous ticks to do so. 

Well, but it’s not that anyone but Lindsey and maybe Rose would recognize them for what they are.

“It’s Lindsey.” She says it without thinking again, her name slipping effortlessly off her tongue, as if this is a confession that Emily has made to countless of friends and teammates before. There’s a little smile there too, way too soft for the lie, and Emily doesn’t want to even think about what it might mean for her.

Her mom squeals, like actually squeals out of happiness, and her dad laughs a bit, as if this is the most obvious thing that could’ve happened, and not actual proof that Emily is the idiot of the year.

Emma looks infinitely pleased, looks at Emily like she did when she won the World Cup, and Emily plasters on the biggest smile she can manage, which Emma promptly returns. 

And she should feel relief really, after all, she’s just barely managed to avoid looking like a fucking weirdo liar in front of her whole family, but instead what settles at the pit of her stomach is guilt. It rises up her throat quickly, overpowering everything, and she’s so concentrated on trying to push it down before it becomes visible to everyone that she barely catches her mom’s next words.

“Great, so that’s settled then. I’ll text Lindsey for her information and book her on the same flight as you for next month”.

Fuck.  
*

Out of all the things Lindsey can sometimes expect late on a Saturday evening, receiving a text from her best friend’s mom about confirming the plans for the Sonnet’s 10th annual family reunion isn’t one of them.

Emily is still in Georgia, doesn’t get in until early Sunday morning, and Lindsey is sleepy enough from her evening nap to not question anything.

She answers Mrs. Sonnet’s questions quickly, her manners coming out even though Emily’s parents have asked her to call them Bill and Jane since the first time they met at a Portland home game years ago. 

She really doesn’t even question the new layer of enthusiasm radiating from Emily’s mom, who keeps texting phrases like “this is great news” (what is the news?), “we can’t wait to see you both!” (isn’t Emily still in Georgia?), and “you know you’re part of the family” (which Lindsey already knew.)

She figures that whatever this family reunion is, and the exact reason why Emily’s mom is paying for her ticket, not that Lindsey is complaining, she figures that Emily will fill her in once she gets home. She yawns again, has been yawning for as long as she’s been awake, and suddenly the thought of making dinner and getting to bed is the furthest thing in her mind. When she closes her eyes, all she sees are hazel eyes and soft smiles.

She lays there, half asleep, kept awake by the realization that she really fucking misses Emily all of the sudden. She’s missed her in the morning, because somehow coffee and smoothies don’t taste as good if Lindsey makes them herself, but right now, it feels as though she’s never missed Emily more in her life.

Not when Emily could be cuddled up to Lindsey on the couch, rubbing small circles into the small of her back as she watches TV. The longing hits her square in the chest, and Lindsey doesn’t even want to begin to unpack the implications of the level of codependency implied by the feeling. 

So instead of dwelling it, she rolls over and buries her face into the blanket on the couch. And she suddenly gets a whiff of Emily’s perfume, obviously, because Emily douses herself in it all the time. It makes her smile a bit, and she burrows into it closer before she finally allows the scent to lure her back into sleep

*

Emily’s good at travelling, has gotten used to airports and flying more than anyone should ever have to really, and before she knows it, she’s on her way to being on a flight back to Portland armed with a mason jar full of moonshine in her suitcase (courtesy of her dad, who had shrugged and said that Lindsey had to start drinking it regularly or else she was going to die), and a promise to call her mom as soon as the plane lands.

There’s a suggestive wink from Emma when Emily mentions that Lindsey will probably be the one to pick her up from the airport- but Emily assures her that it’s only because Hayley and Ellie wouldn’t be caught there anywhere earlier than 9 on a Sunday, and even then only if they’d been bribed with avocado toast. What Emily doesn’t say out loud is that she would much rather buy Lindsey overpriced coffee at the airport and then stare at her profile as she drives while Emily pretends to be asleep in the passenger seat. 

There’s no need to embarrass herself like that. Not that her sister would think it was embarrassing. She’d actually probably think of it as really cute, and Emily shudders at the thought of ever expressing this out loud.

It’s the thought that gets her moving, hugging both her parents tightly, promising to text and call more often, and smiling graciously at her mom’s request to give Lindsey a hug.

When her sister mutters that Emily would probably like to give her something more, the tips of Emily’s ears go pink, and Emily gives her sister a quick hug, purposely avoiding to look into her eyes.

She walks away from them slowly, because no matter how many times she does it doesn’t mean it ever gets easier.

She quickly powers on her phone, mindlessly scrolling through until she pulls up her thread with Lindsey.

Emily  
you’re still picking me up right? flight gets in at 9. promise to buy u all the coffee u want.  
5:45 am.

And she doesn’t expect a response, but 20 minutes later, as she sits and waits to board the plane, she gets one.  
Lindsey H  
Yeah of course. Dude you owe me so much coffee for waking me up at 3.  
6:05 am

Emily laughs, forgets momentarily about the monumental fuck up she’s yet to tell Lindsey about, but she figures that’s a conversation they can have face to face. She gets another text from Lindsey, and she feels a wave of affection overtake her after reading it.

Lindsey H  
Safe flight tho. Please don’t snore on the plane.  
6:07 am

Emily  
i would never. it’s like u don’t even know me  
6:08 am

And against her better judgement, she sends a text that she wishes she could take back immediately.

Emily  
don’t miss me too much. at least youll have the blanket all for yourself  
6:09 am

She doesn’t get a text back but she really didn’t expect one, and she tucks her phone into her front pocket, leaving it in favor of reading the book that Kelley keeps recommending she reads.

Once she finally boards the plane and gets situated, she plays the soft indie playlist that Lindsey is so obsessed with, wills it to lure her to sleep. She’s trying to force herself to sleep, when her eyes catch the background of her lock screen, a silly selfie that Lindsey and her took at their favorite coffee shop.

It’s there as a joke, Emily set it because Lindsey set it, and it’s just a coincidence that neither of them has managed to change it for 2 months. Their teammates think its hilarious, if a little weird, and no one really gets that they first did it to stop a young, over-insistent barista from giving Lindsey his number at any chance he got, and that now it’s just easier to keep the background instead of having to look for another coffee shop.

But then again, nobody really gets them except for them. Emily thinks that’s completely normal. That’s the last thought she has before she falls asleep against the plane window.  
*


	2. you caught the light (you carried mine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily questions and Lindsey is as obviously as ever (maybe).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title comes from "you caught the light" by CHVRCHES.

There’s anxiety in the way that Lindsey sits as she waits for Emily to come out from the bag carrousel.

She has her hands deep in her pockets, a habit that she picked up from Tobin in France and that hasn’t left her since, and she occupies herself by turning a ring over and over inside of her pocket.

It’s one of her nervous tells, and she really doesn’t know why she’s nervous. Not at all. It’s just Emily. 

She contemplates grabbing a coffee, eyes the Starbucks sign in front of her longingly for a few seconds before deciding against it. If Emily woke her up early, then Emily should pay for her coffee, she decides.

There’s a minute where she wonders how she’ll greet Emily— or really, how Emily will greet her. 

Best case scenario, Emily will give her a soft, warm hug, smelling of airplane and like Emily—not that it makes sense for anyone but Lindsey— and Lindsey will hug her back and stop feeling like she was missing something while Emily was gone.

Worst case scenario, Emily will make fun of Lindsey before passing out on the passenger’s seat.

Although both are not bad, Lindsey finds herself hoping—praying— it’ll be the former.

She takes a look at her watch and gets antsy. Emily had texted her 20 minutes ago that she was getting off the plane and that she’d be out shortly but she’s nowhere to be seen. The airport is big but like, not that big. Besides, if Emily can navigate the one in Atlanta like a pro, she has no excuse for getting lost here.

She yawns and contemplates closing her eyes, knows that the minute she does she’ll doze off, hates herself for not setting her phone on silent earlier. She especially hates the way she had laid there, unable to fall asleep for 45 minutes as she tried her hardest not to overthink Emily’s last message at 3 am.

It was probably nothing because it can’t be something, not with the way that Emily banters with everyone always. Lindsey hates herself for even thinking anything of it, because she knows that Emily will and has gone through great lengths to give Lindsey shit. It’s just part of their dynamic.

It’s why they are the way they are, why people have come to associate them together. 

She’s about to give in, about to take a 5 minute power nap that she knows Emily will definitely give her shit for, when she sees the outline of Emily walking towards her slowly. Her heart feels tight in her chest, and she’s sure her smile looks too big on her face. She feels herself relax, feels the anxiousness actually leave her body, and when Emily gets close enough, Lindsey takes a good look at her and feels like her heart might actually burst.

Because Emily, in addition to her checked bag, carries 2 cups of coffee.

So, when Emily places the coffee carefully on Lindsey’s vacated seat and reaches over to hug Lindsey and bury her face into Lindsey’s neck, Lindsey takes a deep breath.

As she becomes engulfed by the smell and feel of Emily, Lindsey really thinks that what she actually got was better than anything she could have came up with herself.

And if Emily quips Lindsey about looking like shit in the morning, even as she makes Lindsey carry the bag to the car, well, she at least got her a coffee.

Well, Lindsey can’t be too mad about that.

*  
“I told my mom we were dating.” Now that the words have come out it seems as though Emily will be unable to stop them. 

“And I know it’s like, extremely out of line, but like I also told her that you could maybe swing by the family reunion? Which is why she probably texted you and booked you a ticket.” Lindsey isn’t looking at her, hasn’t looked off the road since Emily started talking, and Emily keeps going before she loses her courage.

“I know it’s stupid and cliche but my mom is like, super excited already and I don’t know. I got carried away I guess.” Emily takes a deep breath. “ And I know that if you do this I owe you big, like beers are on me forever big, but you totally don’t have to.”

“Holy crap dude.” There’s a laugh in Lindsey’s tone, but it’s not like anything Emily has heard before, and it makes her nervous. She’d waited until they were in the car to tell her, waited until they were a safe distance away from the airport, waited Emily was pretty sure that Lindsey wouldn’t just stop the car.

Pretty sure.

Emily chances a nervous look at Lindsey, who keeps her eyes on the road and bites her lip like she always does when she’s thinking too hard about something. Not that Emily has spent countless hours deciphering her different moods and mannerism. She hasn’t. Definitely not.

When Lindsey finally turns to look at Emily— at a red light, now, no less, because safe driving or whatever— Emily feels the tops of her cheeks go red. She throws a guilty smile in for good measure, but she knows that there’s nothing she can say that will justify this thing. 

“Sorry dude.” This time the smile is genuine, soft and dumb like it always is for Lindsey, because now that she thinks about it, there’s no way that Lindsey will actually go through with this stupid plan of hers, so she’s actually glad that Lindsey hasn’t freaked out about this.

Lindsey just looks at her, keeps looking at her, and looks at her enough that the car behind them honks when the light turns green and Lindsey doesn’t get going.

“You totally don’t have to do this dude.” She repeats the phrase again, and there’s a finality to the statement. Emily pulls out her phone to make a note to tell her mom to cancel Lindsey’s flight and to reimburse her.

Lindsey is quiet for a bit, steadily driving them home, and Emily is, like always, content to steal longing glances of her as she drives. Her phone lights up with a text from her mom, who says that she’ll be calling in 15 minutes and that she better be ready, and all Emily can do is look at her lock background and try to feel nothing.

The silence is a bit awkward, but Emily thought it would always be like this after the bomb she just dropped on Lindsey. To occupy herself, she takes long sips of her coffee 

“Let’s do it.”

The statement makes Emily choke on the coffee, and Lindsey reaches over to pat her back as if Emily is 12 and not 25. The relief finally comes when they make eye contact and all Emily sees is the gentle fondness that she has come to associate with Lindsey.

“Seriously?” she asks, making sure that this isn’t some weird fever dream, or some weird fragment of her imagination.

“Yeah dude. We can go have some fun, you can show me the South, and we can quietly break up later and tell your mom the South scared me off.”

Emily nods her head and laughs at the joke. She sends Lindsey a quick smile, and leans her head on the window to pretend to fall asleep while she tries to figure out what she’s feeling.

Instead what she hears is her mom calling her, played through the bluetooth of the car because Emily’s phone always connects first to Lindsey’s car for some reason, and Emily panics.

Lindsey doesn’t see it—or if she does she ignores it—because she accepts the call.

“Hi Mrs. Sonnet,” she says, polite like she always is, even though Emily’s mom has told her a thousand times that the formality makes her feel old.

“Oh hi Lindsey,” her mom says, and Emily thinks that maybe this won’t actually be so bad.

“I guess now I can officially say, welcome to the Sonnet family.” As soon as the words leave her mom’s mouth, Emily wants to actually die.

Lindsey blushes hard but laughs it off like it’s nothing, and Emily burrows into her seat and wills the earth to open up and swallow her.

Instead, Lindsey reaches over, grabs her free hand and squeezes it firmly. The touch grounds Emily, relaxes her, and it is then that Emily knows for sure that she is totally screwed.

When Lindsey looks over and mouths “it'll be okay”,Emily does her best to believe her, but she’s not sure she can.

*

Later, when they’re sitting in the living room, eating breakfast that Emily cooked because she felt that bad, Lindsey sets her plate on the coffee table and turns to look at Emily. 

“So,” she says, cracking her knuckles as she gives Emily a look. “What’s our story?”

Emily swallows her eggs slowly, partly because she’s tired and mostly because she really doesn’t want to tell Lindsey about the embarrassing details she told her mom. Lindsey would find it hilarious no doubt, and if she ever found out that Emily called her ‘her favorite person in the world’, she would probably give Emily shit for days on end.

Emily is not sure if Lindsey would be able to tell that that part wasn’t much of a lie. The thought scares her senseless. She pushes it away.

“Well I haven’t actually come up with that part yet,” she says instead, leaning back on the couch. “Just told them that we go on a bunch of coffee dates and stuff.”

Lindsey nods thoughtfully. 

“Makes sense,” she says, yawning around the sentence. “We kind of do.”

Lindsey leans over further into the couch, closes her eyes and yawns again. Emily feels nothing but fondness as she looks at her, and not for the first time this weekend, she finds herself wondering how exactly Lindsey manages to make insignificant things feels as if they hold so much weight.

“Hey, you literally cannot fall asleep when we are coming up with our fake romance.” The comment makes Lindsey smile, and Emily wants nothing more than to burrow into her side and join her for a nap.

Considering their current situation though, Emily thinks that might be just a little inappropriate, rude even. She finds that she really doesn’t care.

“Stop thinking so hard dude.” Lindsey says it as she yawns again. “Can see the gears turning in your head.”

Emily feels like she needs to make a joke in an attempt to lighten the mood, but she falters because she really wants to cuddle with Lindsey and it’s making it hard to think about anything else.

“Let’s just say that France did something to us and we just decided to try it after we came back.” Emily laughs at the suggestion, because of course it’s the most logical and real thing to say, and why didn’t she think of this before?

“France did something to us,” she says with a laugh, hoping that Lindsey will take the bait before Emily starts to overthink and wonder if France did something to Emily.

Lindsey doesn’t take it though. Instead, she opens her arms and yawns again. 

“We can figure this out later Em.” The nickname gives Emily actual butterflies, and Lindsey continues before Emily can think too hard. “First we can take a nap though. You’ve kept me awake since 3 am and I haven’t slept well this weekend.”

“Fine,” Emily says, pushes Lindsey into the couch and lays her head on Lindsey’s arm. The arm that is not trapped under Emily gets thrown loosely over Emily’s midsection, and this time, when Lindsey yawns, Emily feels it all around her.

“But if we fall off this couch you’re gonna owe me so big Linds.”

Lindsey laughs, soft and quiet, and Emily feels it more than she hears it.

She lets herself drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback and comments are great! as always, thanks for reading


	3. think I like you best when you're just with me (and no one else)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily and Lindsey get caught up in the lie even further, but neither will admit to what they both know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title comes from "k." by cigarettes after sex

Later that night—as Lindsey is squeezed into a booth at a new, trendy bar that Ellie insists they all try, even if she can’t legally drink there—with Emily to her left and Hayley to her right, she comes to a realization.

How are Emily and her supposed to fool Mrs. Sonnet and Emily’s whole family when they are literally the people that know Emily best?

It’s the thought that makes her act, makes her drop her hand onto Emily’s tight, soft and light, because she definitely doesn’t wanna freak her out, just wants to get her attention so that she can share this information with her.

If Emily suddenly stops mid-sentence and turns to look at her, then all Lindsey can do is send her a pointed look and hope that Emily gets it. What Lindsey does get instead is Emily’s hand on top of hers, and it feels like the most natural thing to turn her hand up and intertwine her fingers with Emily’s. 

And it’s not like they haven’t held hands before. They’re team-mates, they’re roommates, and they’re also prone to taking the teasing from their teammates in stride and then turning it up a notch in the name of banter.

It’s why Lindsey can’t figure out why this time just feels so different than any previous one.

When she takes a look at Emily, she sees a pretty blush spreading over her cheeks, and she squeezes the hand in hers until Emily turns and looks, only to send her what Lindsey hopes is a reassuring smile.

Emily just looks at her and Lindsey feels dumb.

Suddenly in front of her, Caitlin looks between the two of them- and Lindsey really can’t tell how long she’s been looking- when she squeals. When Lindsey turns to figure out what’s happening, Caitlin puts a hand over her mouth and starts laughing. She definitely looks as if she’s just discovered all of the secrets to the world or something, and at this point Lindsey is just so, so confused.

Emily also seems like she has no idea what is going on, but Caitlin has nudged Ellie, who also looks surprised, and then Hayley also leans over and stares intently at Emily and Lindsey until she too starts laughing.

“Do I have something on my face or,” says Emily, quickly wipes at her face and looks at Lindsey, and Lindsey shrugs and takes a sip of her beer.

“When were you guys gonna tell us you’re dating?” Ellie looks a little bit sad, and Lindsey thinks that it’s maybe because she thinks that Lindsey and Emily don’t trust her enough to tell her things, but as far as Lindsey is concerned, there is nothing to tell her.

The reaction from the other two girls is completely different.

Hayley mutters a “fucking finally” that both Emily and Lindsey definitely hear and that makes them both blush, and Caitlin just laughs with her mouth open and orders all of them a round of shots as a celebration.

Emily for her part just shrugs and lets go of Lindsey’s hand, wraps both hands around her bottle of beer before she starts to pull at the label. Objectively, Lindsey knows that Emily feels super guilty for putting Lindsey in this position, but Lindsey wouldn’t have said no if she was uncomfortable.

Because she’s not uncomfortable. 

It’s just definitely not good for her one-sided crush to pretend to be in love with Emily for a whole weekend in Emily’s hometown, but then again, Lindsey thinks she can deal with anything as long as it makes Emily happy.

The silence is suddenly so loud at the booth, and she’s aware that now she has four pairs of eyes staring at her, which is great. So it seems like it’ll be up to Lindsey to sell their new romance.

“It was France, man.” She looks at Hayley who looks like she isn’t buying anything that comes out of Lindsey’s mouth, and if Lindsey can’t sell this to her friends, then she definitely can’t sell it to Emily’s parents.

Before Lindsey can think of ways to disappear from Portland and never come back, Emily pipes up next to her.

“Yeah. France like, totally does things to you.”

Lindsey laughs at that, vaguely remembers saying the same thing to Emily, half-asleep on the couch in an attempt to get Emily to cuddle with her and have her the way she wanted her all weekend last night.

Hayley for her part, still looks suspicious. “So you’re telling me that you guys only started dating after France?”

Emily nods once, like she’s not sure that she should nod at all, and Lindsey can do nothing but look at her.

“I told both of you these idiots were too stubborn. Pay up.” Caitlin looks extremely pleased with herself, and Lindsey doesn’t really get what’s happening until there’s 40 dollars in Caitlin’s hand.

“I could’ve swore you guys have been dating for as long as I’ve known you,” Ellie says, then takes a sip of her water and smiles at them, the hurt from earlier completely gone and replaced with genuine happiness.

And it makes Lindsey so confused, because she’s fooling her 3 best friends in Portland with this and she’s not even trying. Emily for her part just laughs. ‘

“No way dude. Lindsey’s like, hard to get.”

There’s a suggestive wink thrown her way from Emily, and Lindsey speaks before she thinks. 

“Me? I’m definitely not, shut up Em.”

That makes everyone at the table laugh, makes Emily brush a deep shade of red from the unspoken implication, and the fact alone makes Lindsey stupidly proud.

She finds it easy to throw an arm around Emily’s shoulder, pulls her close and accidentally gets a trace of her shampoo.

And when everyone starts aww-ing and taking pictures of them,no doubt headed for snapchat, it feels natural to flip them off and tighten her hold on Emily slightly.  
*

Two weeks after their bar accident, which is what Emily has taken to calling it, long after every single one of their teammates has congratulated them and expressed their absolute agreement, Emily is as conflicted as ever.

On the surface level nothing has changed.

Okay so maybe now if they go get coffee one of them will post an artsy picture to their instagram story, and there’s almost always no doubt that Emily’s mom will react to it with a heart.

And like also, so what if Lindsey wears her sweatshirts pretty often now? It’s not like she never did it before. Now their teammates give them so much shit for it though, even Tobin, but Lindsey braves it and always tells Emily that she doesn’t care. And it totally must be because it absolutely means nothing to Lindsey.

So like, what if Emily’s heart skips a beat when she sees her clothes be absolutely too small for Lindsey? It’s not like it didn’t already do that before they started fake dating.  
The fact that Lindsey will sometimes pay for both of their meals if they go out to eat with the team now? There’s nothing romantic about buying your friend a meal. Not even when Ellie makes a comment about wishing she “had a boo like that”. And what if the comment makes Lindsey blush extra hard? It’s hard to get picked on and not react to it somehow, that much Emily knows.

Hayley and Ellie keep coming over to their apartment in the afternoons after practice, keep complaining about how domestic they are, and they keep bothering them about the fact that, for just how serious their relationship is, why haven’t they moved in together?

Emily argues that they have—like very obviously, they’re roommates—  
and then Ellie clarifies that they mean the room situation.

“Yeah like, don’t you already sleep with Horan every night?”

The comment makes Emily squeak softly, makes her cheeks go red and her face go hot.

“What kind of woman do you think I am though?” She says it in what she hopes is her normal voice, rubs her face to get rid of the blush.

“Um, a woman with a girlfriend? Don’t you wanna like, wake up next to Lindsey every morning or like, whatever romantic bullshit they put on movies nowadays?”

Emily throws a pillow at Hayley’s head for the comment, and she’s suddenly so grateful that Lindsey went on a grocery run, because somehow Lindsey is actually so committed to turning everything they do up a notch around the Australians for the sake of their little charade, that Emily wouldn’t be surprised if she actually made them move into the same room for authenticity’s sake.

“And give you a space to constantly crash at in my apartment? No way Hayley, I think Lindsey and I are good.”

Hayley aims the pillow directly at Emily’s face, and it turns into a full-on pillow fight, which is exactly what Lindsey walks into, carrying a paper bag and two cups of coffee and whistling softly.

It’s the French song that Lindsey has been obsessing over lately, the one that Emily makes fun of her for because Lindsey hasn’t spoken French regularly in like 3 years. Because Lindsey definitely doesn’t like France that much, and she’s told Emily as much. Lindsey argues that while that’s true, she can still enjoy French music.

It’s still cute though, and it’s even cuter when Lindsey comes over and sets a coffee in front of Emily in the coffee table.

Emily is like, completely aware that both Ellie and Hayley are watching them, and the notion drives her to press a soft kiss to Lindsey’s cheek and mutter a quiet “thanks”.

Lindsey seems flustered, probably from the unnecessary PDA, and Emily feels bad because she just keeps putting Lindsey in all of these weird situations when she doesn’t mean to. 

Well, she mostly doesn’t mean to.

“If someone brought me coffee, I’d probably give them a real kiss you know,” Ellie says with a laugh, and this time it’s Lindsey who reaches over and whacks her with a pillow.

“We’re considerate though. PDA stays in the bedroom.” And sometimes Emily hates herself, hates the way that she talks without thinking about the consequences of her words first, but what she doesn’t hate is the way that her words have always had an effect on Lindsey.

Lindsey’s blushing now, probably has been blushing since Emily kissed her cheek, and Emily can do nothing but pull her down next to her on the couch and pretend like she doesn’t want to have this permanently.

*  
“So like, what does what pack for Georgia in September?” Emily looks up from her phone as Lindsey comes out of her room and plops down next to her on the couch.

“I don’t know. Shorts? Shirts? Nothing? It’s pretty fucking hot and humid dude.”

“Nothing yeah,” Lindsey says with a laugh, “I bet your parents would love that.”

“Why are you even worrying about this anyway?” Emily asks, making eye contact with Lindsey, who pulls at the blanket in between them and shrugs.

“I don’t know. Guess I want to make a good impression on your parents.” Lindsey looks so cute, all worried about Emily’s parents as if Emily’s parents don’t already love her more than they probably love Emily herself, and Emily tells her as much.

“You’re cute,” she says, and Lindsey looks up at her and laughs. “But I think you couldn’t make a better impression on my parents if you tried. They like, love you Linds.”

Lindsey nods like she believes it, and she probably does, because Emily found out last week that Lindsey and her mom text somewhat semi-regularly now.

The fact made her smile for longer than Emily would like to admit, and fuck, her mom was probably going to take it harder than Emily when this all stopped and they went back to being strictly friends (not).

“I guess as long as my parents see that you make me happy you could wear your Arsenal jersey everyday and they wouldn’t even care.”

Emily fully expects Lindsey to quip back, but instead Lindsey blushes and gets up from the couch, muttering something about getting ahead on packing, and Emily is left with the perpetual feeling that she’s doing everything wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the great feedback, it's always appreciated! will try to update as soon as i can.


	4. can’t get enough (so stay with me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily and Lindsey head to Georgia, and their mutual pining reaches new heights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from “ilysb” by LANY.

There’s a shy smile coming from Emily as they await for takeoff on their way to Georgia, and it’s a smile that Lindsey has maybe only seen twice.

Once when Emily first came into Portland-- wide-eyed and timid, and absolutely nothing like Lindsey had ever seen her before. Lindsey, with the learned professionalism that Pairs drilled into her, with the focused behavior that was expected in practice, had felt for Emily in that moment. It made Lindsey soft, seeing Emily like that and not like the overconfident asshole that she’d gotten used to from the few national camps they’d been at together.

But Sinc’s presence was overwhelming, even for Lindsey—with her being a fucking legend and an example for everyone— and later that night, way before they even became roomates, or really friends at all, Lindsey vowed to herself that she never ever wanted to see Emily quiet like that again, at least not if she could help it.

The other when they won the World Cup. In the midst of locker room celebrations, Emily had hugged Lindsey, and upon pulling back Lindsey had caught this exact look in her eyes and felt confused. Because Emily had done nothing wrong, so she should be happy and celebrating with the best of them. It occurred to Lindsey later, as she stared at Emily from a distance, that this smile was a product of Emily feeling like she wasn’t enough. For playing only 8 minutes of the World Cup and feeling like she didn’t really deserve to celebrate. How could Lindsey make Emily feel like the super star that she was in Lindsey’s eyes?

So as they sit in the plane, with their knees touching as Emily tries to pick the perfect playlist that will put her to sleep, and there’s nothing more, nothing that Lindsey can base this moment off except maybe the fact that Emily might be nervous. It makes sense, really, and dread settles at the bottom of Lindsey’s stomach at the thought of just how far Emily is going to take this in front of her family in favor of keeping her mom happy.

And Emily’s mom is happy. 

Lindsey is a little confused about it still, and she’s had a couple of serious relationships before but nothing like this-- nothing that involved texting her significant other’s mother pretty frequently, sending her candid pictures of Emily at any chance she got, and Emily’s mom tailoring the menu for the weekend exactly to Lindsey’s liking.

Emily keeps joking that her mom might take Lindsey’s side at the break-up, and Lindsey doesn’t know how to tell her that she’s not sure that she wants to fake break-up as much as she wants to ask Emily out. For real this time.

This whole thing has gotten so out of control that even Mal and Rose believe it now, thanks to Tobin telling Christen about it, who then told Kelley, who apparently had a bet going with Rose about how long it would be until Lindsey and Emily got together. Emily had blushed for the entirety of the ensuing Facetime call, when Rose and Mal grilled them ruthlessly for 30 minutes before telling them that, if they hadn’t gotten together by the end of the year, they were 100% going hold an intervention.

And the worst part of it all? Lindsey is eternally surprised that not a single soul questions the authenticity of their relationship. Not even Tobin-- who had called one of Lindsey’s Parisian ex-boyfriends her ‘friend’ for a whole month before Lindsey sat her down-- questions anything, and now if she invites either of them to do anything she assumes that it means that both of them will come. It’s why they’ve been on many double dates with her and Christen, and everyone just seems to love the fact that Emily and Lindsey are a couple too much to be real.

And it’s definitely not like they’re outright lying about anything. Of course, the one lie they tell is that they are dating, but apart from that Lindsey is lying by omission. People assume, people have been assuming, putting them in scenarios that are honestly better than anything Lindsey and Emily could come up with themselves, and at this point, they are both happy to oblige.

It’s just all so easy though. It’s easy to hug Emily and hold her hand, it’s easy to buy her coffee and dinner, it’s easy to wear her clothes and it’s easy to look at her with eyes full of longing and appreciation. Because those are things that Lindsey already wants to do for Emily.

And as they take off, and Emily, like always, seems to sense Lindsey’s discomfort and reaches over to hold her hand, Lindsey wishes that Emily could tell that she wants it all.

*

“Emily.”

She hears her sister before she sees her-- so attuned from being able to pick out her voice from years of playing soccer and just from growing up together. Lindsey is suddenly quiet next to her, hands deep in her pockets and ears pulled back like they do when she’s nervous. She’s got their bags at her feet and right then, despite the fact that she’s got a couple of inches on Emily on a good day, Lindsey looks so damn small.

It’s the thought that compels her to turn and face her, makes her grab at Lindsey’s face and tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. It’s all vaguely romantic, painful in a way that Emily is so used to by now, and the thoughts of her sister being in the close vicinity of them fly out the window the moment Lindsey’s gaze fixates on her lips for a split second.

It definitely feels like the preamble to any kiss Emily has ever shared with anyone, but somehow more special because it’s Lindsey, who is wearing her new Arsenal jersey, and has been so nervous the whole way to Atlanta, tapping her fingers insistently on her knee until Emily had found herself so distracted by the motion that she’d grabbed her hand and tangled their fingers together in an attempt to stop her. 

This should feel like too intimate of a moment to share at an airport, like this moment, which could most definitely define the capacity in which Emily might be a part of Lindsey life in the distant future, has no place in Hartfield-Jackson under the watchful gaze of a thousand strangers. Emily thinks the opposite though, because while this moment feels big—it feels so big in fact, that Emily is glad that is happening here, in a space big enough to contain the importance of it. Mostly though, Emily’s glad that this weird little moment is happening in a place big enough to downplay the importance of it. Where, if Emily wanted to, she could walk out and blame the weird feelings and weird actions on airports and the fact that the real world doesn’t seem to exist within them. 

Lindsey just keeps staring at her, and Emily is suddenly sure that no one has looked at her as much as Lindsey has in the past month. It knocks the breath out of her lungs, makes her feel like she’s been punched and makes her knees weak. There’s a smile there too, meant just for Emily to see— and Emily is a sucker for attention, self-admittedly loves being the center of things as often as she can— but never like when she holds Lindsey’s full attention on her. Nothing ever compares to that, as much as Emily hates how cheesy that sounds.

The line to their friendship is there, and Emily knows that this is a moment where she could redraw it, shape it to her liking and string Lindsey in whichever direction she prefers. She knows objectively, that she holds all the power in this, has known since Lindsey said yes to this idiotic plan, since she discovered that Lindsey can’t say no to her ever, and Emily has never been more tempted to pull Lindsey into a kiss, consequences be damned.

It occurs to her, as she watches Lindsey watch her, that she could stay in this moment forever. Where the eye contact would be overkill with anyone else, she’s perfectly content with meeting Lindsey’s gaze and waiting to see what she will do. Because Emily’s become this type of person now. Willing to put Lindsey’s needs over her own always. How fucking lame.

And just when Lindsey seems to make up her mind, when she takes a step impossibly closer and carefully places a hand on the bare nape of Emily’s neck, the moment is broken by Emma, who is now standing in front of them and is looking at Emily with a light in her eyes that Emily hasn’t seen since they were junior in high school, when she caught Emily making out with some girl from a rival school in the back of the car they shared in high school. Emily had promised to buy her breakfast every day for a week if she didn’t tell her parents, but Emma said that she would never do anything Emily wasn’t comfortable with, and Emily had felt then that she would always be able to trust her sister with anything.

Lindsey looks downright miserable now, is blushing like crazy and staring at the floor like it holds all the answers to her questions. She must be uncomfortable because of their would-be kiss, and Emily really has to learn to control her actions, because Lindsey doesn’t deserve to be this constantly uncomfortable around her.

And then Emma says, “wow you guys must really be in love,” as her way of greeting, and Lindsey clears her throat and then laughs nervously, and fuck. Yeah, if only that could be true.

There’s a tight hug from her sister, who tells her that she’s so happy she’s home like they didn’t see each other a month prior, and Emily kisses her cheek loudly just to annoy her. 

Her sister then turns to Lindsey, gives her a once over and then throws her arms around her neck in a warm hug. Lindsey has to bend down to comply, and she hugs her sister back tentatively at first and then firmly, and there, watching two of the most important people in her life hug it out in the middle of an airport, Emily feels like she could die happily. 

Emma pulls away and states her approval, and the words make Lindsey blush bright red, but Lindsey still grabs Emily’s hand and leads her to the Starbucks on the way out. Emma seems to happy to trail behind them, and once Lindsey has ordered and paid for all of their coffees, Emma also seems happy to hand the keys over to Lindsey and have her drive them home.

Emily complains loudly, mutters something about it not being the right way to treat one’s guests and how their mom would be pissed at them if she ever found out, but Lindsey shrugs and opens the passanger door to the car so that Emily can climb in. 

“Wow look at those southern manners coming out,” Emily teases her, and Lindsey flips her off before slamming the door on her face, and yeah, that’s more like it.

Once they pull out into the highway, once Lindsey has chosen a radio station that is decidedly not country, much to Emma’s protest, and Lindsey has begun to see just how bad southern drivers are, Emily reaches over and takes Lindsey’s hand in her own over the middle console, watching as Emma takes a sly picture of them in the back, no doubt to send it to her mom. 

Lindsey hums along with the music quietly, drives them to Emily’s childhood home as steadily as she drives Emily to practice every single day. Emily is just glad that hasn’t changed.

“So Lindsey.” Emma mutters from the back, complete with the shit-eating grin that can only come from embarrassing Emily and fuck, Emily couldn’t hate her life more if she tried. “How the fuck did my sister manage to land such a catch like you?”  
*

But then, later, after eating a full breakfast prepared by her mom, and a surprisingly smooth conversation over coffee in the porch after it—when Lindsey can no longer hide her yawns into the sleeve of her hoodie and Emily realizes that they’ve been up for way too long and that time zones suck— when Emily’s mom insists that they take a nap so that they’ll have enough energy for the rest of the day, Emily has never heard a better idea.

She resolves to show Lindsey the guest room, asks her mom if she’d prepared it for her visit, and her mom looks at her strangely and shakes her head.

“I just assumed that you guys could share a bed. You’re both adults,” her mom says, with a small smile in her face that makes Emily want to absolutely die. “You know what not to do in this house.”

Lindsey’s face is a new color of red, and yeah, Emily now knows that things can, in fact, get so much worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> upped the chapter count bc i have a lot of feelings about this pairing, apparently. as always, feedback is appreciated. thanks for reading!


	5. things have kinda changed (they're different from what they are)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> late night talks on soccer fields and realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "good girls" by LANY because it's just a great song

Emily wakes up in her old bed, and she is surprised to Find the spot that Lindsey previously occupied empty.

It’s still warm to the touch though, recently vacated, like Lindsey woke up and needed to use the restroom or something. But then the light of the restroom is not on, and Lindsey has grabbed one of Emily’s old Virginia sweatshirts that her mom keeps for some reason, no doubt emotional, from Emily’s open dresser, and fuck. 

All Emily wants to do is cuddle up to Lindsey, to be the little spoon and maybe make out a little, and it seems that all Lindsey wants to do is be social with Emily’s family.

Emma had looked so damn disappointed when they headed up for a nap, but Lindsey had promised her 2 hours tops, had even set an alarm in front of Emma to make it more credible.

Emily, who at the time was literally dead on her feet, had laughed it off warmly, bounced up the stairs dragging Lindsey by the hand into her room, and settled to sleep feeling Lindsey’s breath tickle the back of her neck. 

And maybe a sleepy smile too, but Emily wasn’t too sure of that.

She’s still disoriented, still tired in a way that doesn’t really make sense to her, but she also knows that Lindsey must think she has to try really hard, if the fact that she got up with the alarm and didn’t snooze it four times, like she usually does for any other situation, is anything to go by.

She’s not really thinking. She needs coffee, and maybe some ibuprofen, because her head feels stuffy from the jet lag, and she just wants to save Lindsey from whatever version of hell the Sonnet family is putting her through.

There’s Lindsey’s Arsenal Adidas pullover by her carry-on, the one that got shipped to their apartment a few weeks prior. Tobin had been so jealous she had threatened to steal it, and amid laughter, Lindsey had promised to never let anyone wear it except for Lindsey herself to make Tobin feel better about not gifting it to her.

But Emily’s not thinking, and the pullover looks soft and probably smells like Lindsey, and those thoughts outweigh anything that could possibly stop Emily.

So she pulls it over her head, heads to the restroom to redo her bun and brush her teeth, splash some water on her face. Finally, once she’s content with her appearance-- and why does she even care that much what she looks like?-- she heads downstairs.

What she finds might be the cutest sight she’s seen in her entire life.

It’s her mom and Emma and Lindsey, all in the kitchen, all wearing aprons and making what appears to be some type of pie. Lindsey has flour dusted over the bridge of her nose, just a little, and Emily has to hold her hands behind her back in an attempt to stop herself from brushing it off and maybe like, kissing her.

The urge is strong, like a firm slide tackle that might knock her off her feet if she’s not careful, and Emily is suddenly so, so conscious of Emma and her mom’s watchful gaze.

She settles for sliding into a stool at the island, but not before dropping a kiss on her mom’s cheek and pouring herself a glass of water from the sink. 

Lindsey has gone quiet, suddenly super concentrated in whatever she’s doing-- and it’s not like Emily would know because she can maybe cook breakfast and nothing else-- but Emily knows that making a pie is not a matter of life and death.  
Fuck. So Lindsey is nervous.

Emily sometimes takes for granted just how calm Lindsey can be in most situations. How she can play in any game, important or not, and remain unfazed. How out of everyone in their friend group, Lindsey can be trusted to remain calm when everything goes to shit.

So yeah. It just kind of doesn’t make sense why making a pie with Emily’s family can send her over the edge.

But then-

“That’s a real nice jacket, Emily.” Emma says it smiling, completely eating it up because, if her mom hadn’t noticed, she certainly does now, and fuck, only people like Tobin and Christen and Kelley and Alex (no matter how weird that is), share clothes with each other.

“Thanks Em. It’s like super comfortable.” She’s totally rambling, she’s nervous as fuck, and Emma must be able to tell because she starts laughing immediately.

Lindsey says nothing, although she does seem to blush as she laughs quietly.

Emily almost thinks they’re off the hook, except that then Lindsey presses a light kiss onto her cheek on her way out to the restroom, and Emily’s mom looks so pleased with herself Emily could actually cry.

Fuck.

*

Emily insists on giving her the grand tour of her town on her parents' golf cart. It’s totally past midnight, and they totally snuck out through the back door after Emily’s family fell asleep, intent on resting for a full day tomorrow.

Lindsey was tired, had laid on the bed and closed her eyes, and Emily had done the same. But then Emily was restless, tapping her fingers intently on the inside of Lindsey’s arms until Lindsey opened one eye to look at her.

“Let’s go on an adventure,” she had said, with a grin so big that Lindsey could have done nothing but say yes in that moment.

Emily had laughed quietly when Lindsey groaned and nodded, but it was her genuine laugh, the one that only Rose and Lindsey and sometimes Kelley could bring out. Lindsey knew in that moment-- had known for a while-- that she would do anything to hear it over and over. Emily had then pulled Lindsey’s Arsenal sweatshirt over her hand-- like she didn’t know what that did to Lindsey-- and motioned for her to follow her.

And then they ended up here. Probably trespassing at a high school soccer field ten minutes away from Emily’s childhood home.

Admittedly, there hadn’t been much to see around Emily’s home, except for like churches and banks and everything that Lindsey ever imagined she would find at a small southern town, which only made her fascinated, much to Emily’s amusement.

They had stopped to buy ice cream at a small gas station where Emily was on a first name basis from the cashier (“yeah she’s like been here since my junior year of high school”), and were now sprawled on the grass, ice cream long gone.

Emily had closed her eyes a while back, and actually, Lindsey wasn’t 100% sure that she wasn’t asleep.

“I used to come here all the time when I was younger.” It’s more of a whisper really, and if Lindsey wasn’t so attuned to picking Emily’s voice out in any room, she might have missed it. 

When she turns to look at her, she realizes that Emily has turned on her side to face her, and the sudden eye contact feels like too much and too little at the same time.

Lindsey can feel herself blush, feel her body overheat despite the September breeze that Emily had promised wouldn’t be there, and suddenly she’s glad for the dim lights around the field.

“I used to just come to think here, whenever I was having a bad day, or fighting with Emma, or making a big decision.” Emily seems determined to get this out, and Lindsey does nothing to stop her except to turn on her side and stare at Emily fully.

“It was just my place you know? And I never have--had-- brought anyone here until you.” Emily breaks her eye contact and exhales, and Lindsey suddenly feels a wave of affection surge through her. “I just thought you should know that.”

There’s a joke on the tip of her throat, one that she would make under any other circumstance and with any other person, usually, but something about the way she can visibly see Emily blush under the Georgia night sky makes her stop.

And it seems like her hands have a mind of her own, because she reaches over and tucks a loose strand of hair behind Emily’s ear. She expects for Emily to break the moment, to look away or make a dumb joke and get up, but Emily catches her hand and stops Lindsey from pulling it away. She leans into the touch and shoots Lindsey a smile so soft that Lindsey thinks she must be imagining it.

“I don’t wanna mess anything up Linds.” She sounds so small and insecure and Lindsey’s body must have a mind of its own now, because she feels herself getting closer to Emily unconsciously, but Emily doesn’t seem to be running away from her so Lindsey will take it as a victory.

“I’m not sure you could mess anything up.” This time, when Lindsey speaks her face is so close to Lindsey’s that she actually feels the shaky breaths she’s taking against her skin.

Emily tightens her hold on Lindsey’s hand, and Lindsey suddenly decides to stop being a coward.

There isn’t much of a gap to close, and, contrary to popular belief, first kisses aren’t always fireworks and explosions.

It’s barely a peck, just the barest hint of pressure against lips, and it’s the sudden realization that although Lindsey doesn’t feel changed, she knows that everything she ever knew about Emily up to this point has just changed.

When she pulls away, just a little, just to see Emily’s facial expression, and assess the damage, but suddenly Emily has a hand on the back of her neck and, oh.

Maybe second kisses are made up of fireworks and explosions.

It’s a little bit desperate, all clashing teeth and shaky breaths, and pent-up tension-- at least on Lindsey’s part, anyway.

There’s Emily opening her mouth, and then there’s Emily moaning when Lindsey takes the invitation, and fuck. 

There’s the realization that they should’ve-- could’ve-- been doing this sooner.

And the angle is a little bit uncomfortable. Lindsey can’t really hold Emily’s face like she wants to, and she also knows that she has to change it before she wakes up with a stiff neck, but there’s Emily, who seems to be so into this and well, Lindsey has never been able to deny her anything.

But then there’s Emily, who pulls away and takes one look at Lindsey’s panicked face before straddling Lindsey’s hips and grinning.

And it’s so dumb really, the sudden need for Lindsey to say something, to slow things down so they can think before they do anything.

“You know,” she says, leaning up and wrapping an arm around Emily’s torso to keep her close. “When you said you came here a lot when you were younger, this is more along the lines of what I was thinking about.”  
When Emily chuckles softly, this time it’s against Lindsey’s lips, and that alone is the biggest win of Lindsey’s life. Not that she would ever say that out loud to anyone.

And then they’re kissing again, totally making out like teenagers on a deserted soccer field, and Lindsey has never felt more alive.

But then Emily’s phone rings from Lindsey’s pocket, with that obnoxious ringtone that Lindsey disliked before but absolutely hates now, and then it’s a scramble to get off each other and actually answer the phone.

It’s Emma, who actually asks Emily if she’s dumb enough to sneak out on her first night back home, and suddenly Emily is apologizing and promising her that they’ll be home in 15 minutes tops.

The moment is broken, and Emily is kind of staring anywhere but at Lindsey, although when she gets up she does offer her hand out to Lindsey.

And then Emily drives them home, using both hands even though she never does, and intentionally not looking at Lindsey.

And the worst part? Lindsey can’t really blame her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, life got in the way and physical chemistry waits for no one.
> 
> thanks for the amazing response, every comment is definitely appreciated 
> 
> if you guys have any thoughts hit me up at thunder-clatter on tumblr.


	6. get you under pink skies (i know exactly where we should go)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family reunions are fun right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from “pink skies” by LANY bc i’m going through a LANY phase apparently

There’s something to be said about the way that Emily is out to fuck up her entire life.

They had come back from the field, Lindsey staring at her profile the whole way back home, and Emily had never wanted to die as much as she did right then and there.

Lindsey had stared hard enough that Emily felt self-conscious, but really, she did not want to turn around only to have Lindsey reject her and have her life turn on its axis.

Awkwardness? That she could handle. Losing Lindsey? She wasn’t too sure about that.

The silence had lasted all the way until they were tucked into bed-- the space between them too big to not be weird, and Emily really hated her own impulsiveness a lot sometimes.

She had shut her eyes as soon as Lindsey had settled into the bed, evened her breathing out in hopes that Lindsey would just let it go and just let them go to sleep.  
And she had, she had turned on her side and sighed disappointedly, with just the barest hint of the dramatic streak that everyone knew she had, and Emily had laid there self-conscious and still until she fell asleep.

In the morning, it’s different.

When Emily opens her eyes, she's greeted with Lindsey’s warm, soft breathing at the back of her neck, their legs intertwined, and with the space that had felt like an ocean between them the previous night long gone.

And again Emily freaked.

She left the bed as softly as she could, being careful not to wake Lindsey, and threw the first shirt she could get her hands on over her head.

It was easy then. Easy to hug Emma, and kiss her mom’s cheek, and easy to pour herself a cup of coffee and laugh like she didn’t ruin the best thing in her life the previous night, all because she lacked self-control.

It’s easy until Lindsey comes into the room, undoubtedly rubbing sleep out of her eyes, and looking adorably disheveled in Emily’s UVA sweatshirt, and suddenly, Emily’s resolve dissolves in record time.

Her hands are itching to reach out and tuck a stray strand of hair behind Lindsey’s ear, so much so that she has to hold her mug with both hands in order to stop her dumb impulses. 

Again with that.

But now it’s worse. 

And it’s all because Lindsey is not looking at her anymore. The insistence from last night, the one that Emily had ignored in hopes of normalcy, is gone. 

And maybe what’s left for Emily to see is worse.

Lindsey looks small, and confused, and maybe a little sad, but Emily doesn’t even want to begin to unpack that anytime soon, and maybe not at all until she has 3 tequila shots in her. At least.

But then Lindsey does look at her, and it’s all Emily can do, it’s the least she can do, to send her a small, close-lipped smile.

Lindsey looks surprised for a moment, and then that’s gone and it’s replaced with a small smile of her own, careful and hesitant, and that it’s a peace offering if Emily’s ever seen one.

And maybe things will be okay after all.

*

Lindsey is actually miserable.

Emily doesn’t seem fazed. Actually, she’s acting as if nothing happened, as if she can look at Lindsey and not remember what it felt like to bite her bottom lip hard enough to bruise.

Lindsey wishes she didn’t remember it either.

She remembers it all.

It gets even more miserable the moment Emily’s extended family starts to show up. Emily’s mom starts to excitedly introduce her to family members the second Emma’s boyfriend shows up, and all of Emily’s aunts spend about 30 minutes asking her questions about their life in Portland.

She’s aware that at this point, their fake relationship looks super serious.

Really, they live together, they have the same job, and friends, and goals. She’s aware that Emily didn’t specify to her family when they started dating. Aware that everyone is assuming it could be weeks, or months, or maybe even for as long as they’ve been in Portland together. 

Aware that to Emily’s extended family, this relationship looks like it’s on a fast track to a near engagement.

And it’s kind of funny, actually, that she doesn’t feel that uncomfortable answering everyone’s insistent questions as politely as she can, giving everyone the impression she’d want Emily to give her family if the roles were reversed.

Emily for her part, has been wrangled by her cousins into some sort of pick up game, and that’s eventually where Lindsey excuses herself to, much to Emily’s mom’s amusement.

Emma actually groans when she sees Lindsey puting her hair up in a ponytail. That makes Emily look up and grin at Lindsey, and things feel like they would any other day.

“Lindsey’s on my team,” Emily says it with such finality that no one even complains, and Lindsey can’t help but grin at the comment.

“Get ready to lose,” Lindsey says, and it’s easy then, because competitive is something she can definitely do that doesn’t take up as much space in her brain.

Emily looks at her, blue eyes twinkling in the Georgia sunlight, and for once Lindsey could swear they’re on the same page.

*

Lindsey’s amazing.

That’s been the prevalent thought in Emily’s mind the whole day.

She’s managed to charm each and every single one of her aunts, even the ones that are still a bit iffy about Emma’s boyfriend, even if he’s been around for a while now, and Emily can’t help but be a little proud.

She’s even more proud when she watches Lindsey have a conversation with her cousin about Georgia Tech vs. UGA, and Emily wasn’t even aware that Lindsey knew anything about either of the schools.

“There’s no way UGA is losing to South Carolina. C’mon, they’re not even the real USC, that one’s in California.” 

Actually Emily is really impressed by Lindsey’s knowledge, and it’s what finally prompts her to walk up to Lindsey and throw an arm around her.

If Lindsey’s surprised she doesn’t show it. Her arm goes instinctively around Emily’s waist, and her cousin throws them both a knowing smile that makes the tops of Lindsey’s cheeks turn a pretty red.

“Having fun?” She whispers it quietly, the question clearly only meant for Lindsey to hear. Lindsey smiles so gentle and fond that it literally makes Emily’s stomach feel like it’s jumping out of her body.

“Yeah Son. Your family is way cooler than you.” Lindsey says and Emily blushes.

It’s amazing that it Lindsey gets along with everyone in her family so well. Emily had never realized how important that could be for her until she saw it happening in front of her own eyes.

She smiles at Lindsey and Lindsey smiles at her, and it just feels right.

And it’s a little weird now. Emily’s cousin is long gone, and Lindsey’s turned to face her completely. In that moment the afternoon sunlight hits Lindsey’s features so prettily that Emily wants to die.

So she decided that she definitely needs a beer. Or several beers really, she’s not too picky.

She focuses on that thought, maybe a little too hard because Lindsey doesn’t get it when Emily grabs her hand and drags her toward the lone cooker at the edge of the table, but then again, Emily thinks that might be okay after all.

It’s only once she’s chugged half her beer with an urgency she hasn’t felt since maybe sophomore year of college that Emily feels like she can breathe again.

Lindsey is looking at her weird now. The fondness is gone and is instead replaced with something that Emily can’t really place, and as soon as they make eye contact, Lindsey blushes and turns away from her, but not before stealing Emily’s beer and downing the rest of it.

And then Emily’s mom comes and asks Lindsey if she’s met Emily’s cousin who actually went to USC, the one in South Carolina, because he heard the comment and now has some thoughts he’d like to discuss, and Lindsey laughs, rich and clearly amused and lets herself be dragged away.

Emily looks after her, grabs another beer, and resolves to fix her shit because there’s no way she’s not keeping Lindsey around if she’s putting her frat boy cousins in their place for fun.

*

It’s late now, with everyone mostly gone and Emily nowhere to be found, and Lindsey’s tired.

She found an unlikely ally in Brooks, Emma’s boyfriend, who apparently either went to Clemson or is Clemson’s biggest fan, so he came to her rescue when things had started getting heated with one of Emily’s cousins about USC.

Brooks is a cool dude, kind of quiet really, and since Emma and Emily had been catching up with everyone else for the most part— that and, Emily’s mom just kept introducing them together to people as “Em’s significant other” as if that wasn't confusing—they’d gotten to know each other kind of well throughout the night.

Plus, they both just kept drinking a lot of beer. They needed to. The Sonnet family was grilling them alive.

But it was fine. Lindsey just smiled and nodded and laughed at the appropriate times, answered questions and for the most part really did feel like part of the Sonnet family.

So much so that Emily’s mom insisted that they take a picture for posterity’s sake.

Of all of them. As in Emma, Brooks, Emily’s parents and Emily and her.

“They’ve never been in a relationship at the same time before, so it’s perfect. Plus, you guys are serious.”

Lindsey wants to die.

Once they’re lined up— and really, are parents really this friendly in the South?— Lindsey has never been more aware of the height difference between her and Emily until that moment.

The picture’s cute. Emily says as much and makes her mom send it to her, but not before reaching to press a soft kiss to Lindsey’s cheek that has Emma laughing.

This time, when Emily flips her off, Lindsey laughs too, and as she stares at Emily’s profile while Emily stares at this picture with a look that Lindsey just can’t place, Lindsey knows what she has to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so UGA did lose to the fake USC, just in case any of you cared to know.
> 
> as always, your comments are wonderful, and also as always, message me on tumblr if you have any thoughts or questions or songs you think i should listen to!


	7. if you wanted to (girl, we could cross that line)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they finally figure stuff out, kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title taken from "feelings" by LAUV

It’s their last full day in Georgia, and all Lindsey wants to do is sleep in, but it becomes obvious very soon that Emily can’t sleep past 8 when she’s home, if the way she’s shifting next to Lindsey is any indication.

She huffs a little, half to get her annoyment across, and then half to make Emily feel bad about the fact that they’re both awake at 8 already, even after going to bed at 2.

“Sorry,” Emily whispers, but shifts once more-- and really, has she stopped shifting at all?-- and Lindsey rolls over to face her. She wants to look pissed because she is pissed, because Emily should know after all these years that Lindsey values sleep over most things in life, but she takes one look at Emily’s smile, accentuated by the soft sunlight that filters through her bedroom window, and promptly loses her ability to speak.

“Do I have something on my face or?” The comment makes Lindsey meet her eyes, and Emily truly does look insane, what with the crazy bed head and the look she’s giving Lindsey, complete with the raised eyebrow, like she doesn’t know the kind of effect she has on Lindsey.

All throughout the years, Lindsey has come to accept that Emily must know how Lindsey feels about her, because there’s just no way she doesn’t.

Literally everyone knows-- and if Lindsey thinks about it, that is probably the reason why nobody even questions their relationship now-- that Lindsey is an idiot for Emily.  
It had taken Mal all of three seconds on a coffee date way back in Lindsey’s first season with Portland to call her out on it, and Lindsey had blushed profusely but hadn’t denied it.

Mal had made her promise to at least try.

And Lindsey had, sort of. They weren’t friends, not yet anyway, and Emily was so shy around Tobin that it made Lindsey laugh hard at practice without fail, but eventually she’d wandered over and offered Emily a smile, muttering something about how Tobin wasn’t that scary. Emily had smiled back at her and Lindsey hadn’t left her side since.

But it hadn’t gone past that. Lindsey had Russell-- and then she didn’t have him, and then had him again-- and Emily had-

Well, Emily had a lot of girls, different girls, girls who looked nothing like Lindsey, and Lindsey understood then that Emily just didn’t want her.

And the flirting wouldn’t change that, their dates-that-weren’t-dates wouldn’t change that, and Lindsey couldn’t change that, so she just kind of gave up.

It’s what she thinks of now, with Emily all soft and warm and solid in front of her. She thinks of how stupid she was, how much of a coward she was, of how she just gave up when she could have told Emily how she felt all of those years ago.

Emily looks at her, has been looking at her the whole time, their whole friendship maybe, and Lindsey feels like an idiot for not having seen this earlier.

“Dude seriously are you okay? Did the tequila get to you last night or?” In that moment, Lindsey decides that Emily has the prettiest eyes she has seen in awhile, maybe ever. She also decides that Emily needs to stop talking.

“Do you ever shut up?” It comes out low, her voice rough with sleep, and Emily’s eyes flick to her mouth for one second, but Lindsey sees it and places a hand softly on Emily’s cheek, brushing a loose strand of hair away.

“Um, not usually- I mean.” Emily’s gaze drops to her lips once more, and it’s obvious that she knows that Lindsey knows because when she looks up she holds Lindsey’s gaze confidently.

“Not unless someone makes me.” It’s a challenge if Lindsey has ever heard one, what with the way Emily’s eyes seem unable to look anywhere but Lindsey’s lips, but Lindsey holds her ground and waits for a variety of reasons.

One, she doesn’t want to read this wrong. Doesn’t want to blow the kiss the shared on the field out of proportion, to make it into this romantic thing that it’s not and then end up ruining their friendship forever.

And two, if this is a challenge, even if she’s reading things right and Emily does want this, she won’t be the first to lose. She can wait. She has self-control.

She’s 50% sure she has self-control.

Emily moves, a little closer to her but not much, the shift small enough that they could definitely play it off as a mistake if they needed to.

And Lindsey is only now 25% sure that she has self-control, and whatever amount she does have is decreasing very fast.

“God, you’re so stupid,” Lindsey says, and the comment is aimed mostly at herself, but Emily laughs regardless and hearing her laugh makes the entirety of Lindsey’s body feel warm.

It’s the warmth that makes Lindsey lean in for the second time in 48 hours.

It’s the fact that she can’t seem to control herself.

Emily’s surprised, if the noise she makes when Lindsey cups her chin more firmly is anything to go by, but she’s not quiet, and that alone defeats the whole purpose of why Lindsey did this in the first place.

The thought makes her laugh hard enough that she ends up breaking the kiss. Emily just looks at her with a fond smile on her face, and Lindsey wants to burrow into her side and sleep until 12 in the afternoon.

She sets out to do just that, throws an arm over Emily’s stomach and pulls her flush against her back.

Emily relaxes immediately, holds Lindsey’s hand with both of her own, and everything feels right in the world for once.

And then Mrs. Sonnett knocks on the door announcing breakfast and the moment is broken.

So much for sleeping in.

*

After breakfast, Lindsey had offered to clean up quickly-- to quickly for her mom to refuse, which had made Emily laugh-- and that had left Emily and her mom with nothing to do.

They’d settled on the porch, underneath a blanket and cuddling like they would when Emily was younger and would stay home sick from school, and Emily was content to stay here forever.

She’d had the same thought this morning, as she had laid there next to Lindsey and then as she laid there staring at Lindsey, and then once more as she laid there kissing Lindsey.

It’s amazing how amazing Lindsey can make her feel, and she stares at Lindsey through the window, watching as she laughs at a joke that Emma must have made.

Her mom must notice-- and honestly, when is Emily subtle about anything?-- and she places a soft kiss to the top of Emily’s head.

“I think you picked a good one, Emily.” her mom says. 

Emily hums in agreement, and lets her mom rub her back until she’s on the verge of falling asleep.

“I think you should bring her home for Christmas.”

*  
Emily’s nervous, that much Lindsey can tell, and Lindsey knows that they need to talk about what has happened here, and in France, and maybe everywhere, but she doesn’t speak a word.

She settles by the edge of the bed and watches Emily pack. 

Emily, who doesn’t normally pack until she absolutely has to, who forgets packing a hoodie often enough that Lindsey now packs 2, whose room is so messy that Lindsey almost always trips on something.

Emily’s packing, and she hasn’t turned around even though she definitely heard Lindsey come in because she muttered a shy “hi”-- and really, Lindsey can count on one hand the number of times she’s heard Emily sound shy.

It makes Lindsey’s heart race, it makes her feel like her heart’s going to burst out her ribcage at any second if she’s not careful, makes her feel like the only way that she will ever feel normal again is if she assures Emily that she never ever has to feel insecure. Not with Lindsey anyway, not if she can help it.

“Em,” she starts, then stops to look at Emily. She’s holding a sweater in her hands-- one that she has been refolding for the better part of the last 2 minutes-- and as soon as Emily hears her she drops the sweater carelessly on top of her bag and turns to look at Lindsey.

She’s closed off, that much Lindsey can tell, with the way she’s hunched in on herself and standing as far away from Lindsey as physically as she can without making things weird.

“Em,” Lindsey repeats it, mostly because never in a million years did she think she would actually be having this conversation with Emily, and now that she is she just has to get the words out somehow. 

“Em, I-” Emily moves then, sits next to her carefully, almost as if she’s not sure she should at all, and places a hand on her lap and over Lindsey’s hand hesitantly.

Lindsey opens her mouth again, and maybe now with Emily’s hand on her own she’s braver than she’s ever been. Maybe with Emily’s hand on her own Lindsey could do anything she set out to do. But Emily’s looking at her now again, and she looks nervous, small.

Emily squeezes her hand, once, twice, soft and hesitant, and Lindsey stops trying to speak at all.

“Do you think we could put off this conversation until Portland?” Emily really does sound small, and Lindsey feels so, so guilty.

Emily takes a deep breath, the kind of breath she only takes before a big game, when she thinks that the pressure will get to her and she won’t be able to handle it.

“I just kind of want to not have my parents see me heartbroken and sad,” she looks up, a small self-deprecating smile that makes Lindsey hurt inside. At first, Lindsey doesn’t register Emily’s response, too preoccupied with making sure Emily never looks like that ever again, but then once she does she stares at Emily confusedly.

“Wait,” Lindsey says, turning her body to face Emily fully, looking at her with surprise evident on her face.

“You think I’m gonna break your heart?”

Emily stares at her hard and a little confusedly, kind of like she doesn’t believe that Lindsey would even ask the question.

“You don’t like me Lindsey-” Emily looks like she’s three seconds away from throwing up, and Lindsey wants to kiss her until she learns to see herself like everyone else does.

“I’ve spent the past 3 years trying to get over you and now we’ve had this weekend and, I like you so much and you don’t Lindsey.” They make eye contact, and Lindsey wants to die.

“Wait,” Lindsey says, sounding out the word. “You like me?”

Emily looks at her again, and now it all makes sense.

Lindsey exhales and this time, when she reaches over, she holds both of Emily’s hands in her own.

“Em, I like you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only 2 weeks late lol
> 
> tell me what you liked/ what you didn't like, what worked/ what didn't work, and what you'd like to see in the last chapter.
> 
> come talk to me on twitter @_thunderclatter


	8. but up till now, there ain't been nothing (that I couldn't leave behind)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things always work out in the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "feather indians" by tyler childers because i listened to it obsessively while i wrote this.

For the first time in her life, Emily can’t speak.

It has always been a problem. In elementary school, Emily had gotten in trouble way too many times to count, and all because she could not shut up. In high school, her teachers knew better than to sit Emma and her together in class, because Emily seemed to be unable to physically be quiet at any given moment.

Even now, Tobin still rolls her eyes when Emily cracks a joke at an inappropriate time.

So it comes as a shock to Emily that she can’t seem to find her words after Lindsey tells her she likes her.

She wants to though, she wants to find the right words, and come up with the perfect declaration of love, and she wants to kiss Lindsey senseless and forever.

Instead she sits there, with Lindsey next to her looking a perfect mixture of concern and disappointment, and Emily knows that if she doesn’t find her words soon she’s going to blow her chance, if she hasn’t already.

Lindsey is still holding her hand, though loosely now, like maybe she thinks she shouldn’t at all, and when Emily feels her trying to pull away completely, she tightens her grip on her slightly

She really doesn’t want to fuck things up, but Lindsey already looks like she wants to run, and Emily can’t really blame her. She still hasn’t said anything and Lindsey must think that she’s about to get rejected-- that they’ll have to go back to Portland and play together and live together, and pretend like this whole weekend didn’t exist.

But Emily doesn’t want that.

She wants to spend all of her holidays with Lindsey whether it be in Atlanta or in Denver, and she wants to kiss her after every game, good or bad, and she wants the next time that Lindsey comes to her childhood home to be because they’re actually dating.

And she needs to find the words to say that without scaring Lindsey away.

That must be it too, the fact that the last thing Emily wants is to scare Lindsey away.That they’ve been friends for 4 years and Emily has been in love with Lindsey for at least 3 of them. That she’s exclusively dated girls who looked nothing like Lindsey for years in an effort to get over her. That Kelley thinks she’s pathetic and has called her as much because Emily refuses to fess up. That Emma thinks they’ve been dating for way longer because Emily can’t hide her feelings to save her life.

It’s all too much, even for Emily, and it’s only going to scare Lindsey away.

Lindsey, who is at the very least into one guy, if her on and off relationship anything to go by, who probably only did this as a favor for Emily and is now most likely confused about her feelings, who always puts Emily first even when Emily doesn’t deserve it.

Lindsey who can’t possibly understand just how long Emily’s been waiting to hear those words.

Lindsey, who looks vaguely pissed off now, but still hasn’t pulled her hand away from Emily even though Emily has been staring at her like an idiot for the past 3 minutes.

“Linds I-” She has to find the words to explain herself, to convey to Lindsey that she’s always known that Lindsey would do anything for her-- even if it means saying what she thinks Emily wants to hear-- and that the feeling is mutual, that she’ll do anything to be a part of Lindsey’s life, even if it means putting her stupid feelings aside forever.

Lindsey just stares at her, a little nervously and with worry evident in her eyes, and Emily wants to die because she caused that.

“I think I understand now and I-” 

When Emma opens the door Lindsey jumps away from her, and Emily fixes her twin with what she hopes is a murderous stare.

But Emma is oblivious.

“I hope I didn’t just like, prevent you from getting it on or whatever, but I think mom wants to go downtown for dinner so,” Emma seems to finally look up and notice the weird vibe in the room because she has the decency to look a bit embarrassed. “Uh- just be ready for that, I guess.”

With that she leaves, and so do all of Emily’s hopes of not having this conversation until Portland.

But then Lindsey seems to have other plans, because she finally drops Emily’s hands and looks away for the first time since they started this conversation.

Emily wants Lindsey’s attention though, she always does, but this time, when Lindsey looks at her again Emily can’t read her expression.

“Guess I better go get ready for dinner,” Lindsey mumbles on her way to the restroom, and Emily hopes that she didn’t fuck everything up.

  
  
  


*

Lindsey is a nervous wreck the whole way to the airport.

Emily hasn’t spoken to her much since Lindsey admitted that she liked her, and between Emma interrupting their conversation and then with them getting roped into a celebratory dinner with the Sonnetts, Lindsey can’t blame her. But then again, Emily hasn’t really spoken much to _anyone_ since that all happened.

Emily had been polite at dinner. Polite and impersonal, smiling at the right times and making jokes at her own expense, much like she always did, but Lindsey knew better. She hadn’t really said much then though, and then they’d made it back to the house and Emily was still not saying much, and it was driving Lindsey crazy.

She’d spent 15 minutes giving herself a pep talk about the fact that they probably needed to talk about things in the bathroom, half because Lindsey just wanted to date Emily already and had wanted to for the longest time, and then also because at the very least, she didn’t want things to be weird when they went back home to Portland.

And in the end, it didn’t matter, because when Lindsey padded into the bedroom she’d found all of the lights off and Emily facing away from her.

So she’d gone to bed, and had woken up to an empty bed, and to Emily all packed and ready to go in the kitchen, which never happens.

Emily’s mom had invited her back to Atlanta for Christmas, even though it made Emily blush profusely, and Lindsey had smiled and promised her to think about it, even though coming back to the place where she’d messed up the best friendship she’d ever had was the last thing she ever wanted to do until she's fixed things.

And now they were here, in Emma’s car on the way to the airport, with Lindsey driving once more because she wanted to get back to Portland in one piece.

Lindsey is nervous.

Emily is staring at her and Lindsey can tell, and Emma is more or less asleep in the back, so there really is no distraction to their weird situation.

But Lindsey doesn’t really want to do it here.

She wants privacy, and she wants to be able to concentrate only on Emily. She wants to hold Emily and never let her go, and Lindsey is very aware that that can’t happen here.

She chances a look at Emily, who’s since turned to the window and is biting her bottom lip thoughtfully. 

She looks scared, and there is no other way that Lindsey can describe it.

Lindsey knows now, and she understands and knows that they will work things out eventually, that Emily needs to work out some things on her own and that Lindsey can’t rush her, no matter how much she wants to, that all she can do is wait a little longer.

The thing is, she knows now that she’ll wait for Emily forever.

When she reaches over and holds Emily’s hand on her own, she hopes she conveys that to her.

When Emily makes eye contact and squeezes her hand softly, Lindsey knows for sure that they will be okay.

  
  


*

They manage to make it back to the apartment without really speaking to each other.

Emily’s tired, both physically and emotionally, and she thinks that a 10 hour nap is definitely in order, but she knows that she can’t do anything before she fixes the mess with Lindsey.

Lindsey, who wanders off into the kitchen to make them both food even though she must be tired.

Lindsey, who is very obviously nervous and probably a little hurt, who let Emily’s mom kiss her goodbye on the cheek even though she usually hates it and promised to come to Atlanta for Christmas, who might be mad at Emily but still bought her coffee as soon as they made it back to Portland.

Lindsey, who is perfect and deserves only the best things in the world

And Emily is scared out of her mind to mess things up for them.

It’s what keeps her quiet-- it’s not the fact that she thinks she isn’t good for Lindsey, because she knows that they will always work out in any capacity, and she knows that she’d try her best to make Lindsey happy-- but the fact that if they really do this, there will be no turning back.

Emily won’t be able to crack a stupid joke and simply take it back. If they start this they’ll have to finish it, and Emily is scared that the result of this conversation won’t measure up to their friendship. But-

The thing is though-

Emily _can’t_ keep wondering.

They’ve already started this and now Emily knows what it’s like to share a bed with Lindsey for an extended period of time, she knows what Lindsey looks like first thing in the morning and what she looks like when she’s trying her hardest to impress Emily’s dad, she knows what it feels like to kiss Lindsey.

Suddenly, Emily is startled with the realization that she wouldn’t take it back even if she could.

She doesn’t ever want to imagine a world where she doesn’t get to kiss Lindsey good morning, or where Lindsey won’t make her avocado toast even when Emily doesn’t ask her to.

The thing is, it’s never been about what Lindsey can do for her. 

It’s always been about the fact that Lindsey makes Emily a better person, that Lindsey is Emily’s person. It has everything to do with the fact that Emily can’t imagine sharing these moments with anyone else.

It’s amazing, the impact that Lindsey has had on her life, now and always, and Emily knows now that this is _exactly_ how things were supposed to play out.

That they needed to be friends first but that now that wasn’t enough.

When Lindsey comes into the living room and hands her a plate of avocado toast, Emily is sure.

When Lindsey sends her a tentative smile, still trying now after Emily ignored her for most of a day, Emily is really sure.

She’s sure that Lindsey feels the same way about her.

Before she can think twice about it, Emily reaches for Lindsey’s plate and plucks it out her hands. She places it on the coffee table carefully and Lindsey fixes her an amused look, clearly confused.

Emily settles next to Lindsey, closer than before, and when Lindsey opens her mouth to question it, Emily frames her face in her hands and kisses her.

It’s magic. Emily has kissed a lot of people in her life, probably more than anyone should really, but nothing really compares to Lindsey.

Kissing Lindsey makes her feel like she could do anything she sets her mind to. Kissing Lindsey feels like more of a victory than winning the World Cup.

Emily already can’t get enough of it.

It makes her smile, and she does so hard enough that it breaks their kiss, which in turn makes her laugh. Lindsey looks a little confused at that too, but mostly she just looks adorable, staring at Emily like she doesn’t ever want to look at anything else ever again.

It’s intoxicating.

She goes back in for a kiss, a little more insistent and a lot more sure, and Lindsey matches her in every sense.

Emily can’t believe she ever doubted how _good_ they could be at this.

When they pull away Lindsey smiles, and it’s the best thing Emily has looked at today and maybe ever.

It makes everything before this and everything to come so easy.

It makes _everything_ so worth it.

“Lindsey,” she says, sure of herself and sure of them, and so damn happy that things worked out like they did, “I like you too. So much.”

  
  


*

Lindsey is sure that she’s smiling like an idiot.

She just can’t believe this is her life.

If someone would have told her that a weekend in Georgia would change her life this much, she wouldn’t have believed them.

She’d spent 2 years trying to convince herself that Emily didn’t see her that way, two years trying to push her feelings away, two years failing.

She’d come to terms with the fact that Emily ruined her for everyone else.

But maybe it wasn’t like that.

Maybe they weren’t always ready for each other, and maybe they needed to grow up both together and apart, and they needed to know each other as friends first, before anything else.

Maybe things between them were always supposed to work out, and maybe the long wait only made things that much sweeter.

Because Lindsey is pretty sure that there isn’t a world in which she kisses Emily and Emily doesn’t kiss her back.

She knows that now.

And this time, when Emily kisses her, it feels like the start of _everything._

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that was a ride.
> 
> i'm adding an epilogue sometime soon, so look out for that.
> 
> as always thank you for reading, and if you want to, come talk to me on twitter at @_thunderclatter :)

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so, this pairing is taking over my life. will try to update this before life gets in the way, but please leave comments or suggestions!


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